How could I possibly want something so badly and fear it at the same time?? Take INDEPENDENCE, for example. There is nothing I want more at this point than to be able to proudly stand on my own two feet, live a life completely my own, and not have to take crap from anyone because I am at no one’s mercy. The most crucial question, however, is: Can I really handle the independence I crave so much? Well, in about two months, when I leave the comfort of my parents’ home and move into my own place like the adult I should have been long ago, I’m going to find out. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.
For the past few weeks, I have been combing through apartment postings on the Internet, making all sorts of lists (to-dos and such), calculating future expenses, and all that nasty yet necessary ‘grown-up stuff’. Ugh! Wouldn’t life be so much easier if it were just like what we see in the movies where people can jump from one place to another on a whim? But NO, in real life, we need to consider a hundred different things; i.e., squeezing into a pittance of a budget, safety, accessibility, pet-friendliness, and the list just goes on and on and on.
The anxiety and stress are really starting to get to me; I can tell because I’ve been having dreams about the ‘big move’. Some nights I barely get any sleep. There are those (brief) moments, though, when I manage to convince myself that things will work out — I can do this! But then the cynic in me jolts me back to reality and all my fears kick in again.
Although the idea of flying solo for the first time ever does excite me, I still can’t help but worry. So maybe I am (somewhat of) an adult after all. Because isn’t that what adults do — worry?
And now I leave you with this quote from one of my favorite movies, Love, Rosie, because my mind is too occupied at the moment to think of a better way of ending this post.
“It’s funny because when you’re a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There’s no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic, in fairy tales, and in possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way the reality of life gets in the way and you’re hit by the realization that you can’t be all you wanted to be, you just might have to settle for a little bit less.
Or perhaps a variation of what you once wanted.
Why do we stop believing in ourselves? Why do we let facts and figures and anything but dreams rule our lives?” — Cecilia Ahern, Where Rainbows End